Prologue
As the Titbit Bimbo Braggings was coming back from her daily walk to the woods with her picking list to gather some toad chairs which would give her vivacious dreams at night, she returned to her little shack via the yellow paved path. She was savouring a home rolled herbaceous cigar when she heard a slight rustle.
âWhat is whispering through the bushes?â She said to herself
At that moment, she noticed the snakelike creature with the most ominous of smells. He was fingering an onion ring and was talking feverishly to it.
âOh my precious, precious onion ring of mine. Smileygol wantst to keepst it forever. Nobody canst take you away from ust. PreciousâŠâ
Bimbo could already feel the fatal attraction of the onion ring. She desperately wanted it for herself.
âHi there, little one, how are you? Can I help you?â she asked in her most treacherous hypocrite voice.
The creature looked up with fear in its ugly eyes.
âNo, no, you canst take my precious away from meâ.
âThere nowâ Bimbo said âI wonât hurt you, here let me give you a freshly picked toad chairâ
As it had a similar ominous smell, Smileygol didnât hesitate long before he grabbed it with his long, slender, slippery fingers and took a bite of it. Little did he now, that Bimbo was related in the sixteenth buttonhole to the evil witch with her poisonous apple.
Smileygol got this drowsy feeling in his head and started staggering on his slimy feet. Bimbo slowly advanced to the little creature some more and pulled out her rolling pin.
As fast as a speeding bullet, which by the way wasnât invented yet, and provides the reader with an anachronism, she smashed Smileygol on the head with a definite âPokâ.
âOinkoinkoinkoinkâ it reverberated in the woods. Smileygol was squealing like a castrated guinea pig before smashing with his slippery face to the ground. And that was when and where the expression âBiting dustâ really found its origin.
A most dreadful story
Bimbo hadnât been home for long when she jerkily jumped up from a heavy knocking on her door. She cautiously went to see who was at her door. She looked through the little peeping hole in her little door. That was when she jumped up a second time because the person on the other side of the door was doing exactly the same thing. Bimbo was completely terrified and looked awful with the big bump on her head.
âWhoâs there?â she violently asked.
âBimbo, donât be afraid, itâs me, Handzalfâ the visitor said.
Handzalf was the most capacitated wizard of Muggle and non-Muggle earth and he was respected enormously by Titbits, Bovines, Donkeys and the like.
Bimbo unlocked her door and let Handzalf enter her humble residence. He was very agitated and didnât beat around the bush, mostly because that looked ridiculous and the ridiculousness in this case would have been tremendous because there wasnât even a bush.
âBimbo, I have heard that you have come into possession of the most dreaded ring of the dark lord of Voldemordort, the Onion Ring. I doubt it you know this but this ring has the most ominous power to alter peopleâs personalities and convert its owner after long time exposure into a follower of the Dark Lord of Voldemordort, in ancient tales referred to as the Burger King.â Handzalf started.
Bimbo had to think of the encounter between Smileygol en her rolling pin and understood what Handzalf meant.
âMy wizarding friend Mumbledore â the one who is known no to articulate very well when speaking â told me the most dreadful stories. One story in particular has made my hackles rise. He told me of this onion ring causing the most dreadful movement of air that makes the earth tremble and not only in the state of Denmark would there be something rotten. For this reason, and also mostly because I say so, you have to get rid of it as soon as possibleâ. He concluded.
The fellowship of the Onion ring
Handzalf told Bimbo Braggins that she should dispose of that wretched onion ring. However, Bimbo Braggings being the bimbo she was wouldnât be able to fulfil this crucial task. She wasnât blonde however, so she came to that conclusion herself. She suggested to Handzalf that her nephew Fredi would be the perfect Titbit to complete that task.
âLet me give him a hoot with my Titbit speaking and hearing device (centuries later this device would be known as a telephone)â Bimbo said.
She picked up the hearing part of device and knocked three times with it on her speaking and hearing device table, and then she placed it at her ear. After a few moments she seemed to get hold of Fredi.
âHi Fredi, Iâm in dire need of your help. Handzalf is here and he wants you to take care of something. Can you come over as soon as possible?â Bimbo explained.
âNo needâ Handzalf said and with a wave of his wand, Fredi was standing in the middle of Bimboâs living room. No need to say that Bimbo had another terrifying experience that day.
And so it would be that not Bimbo Braggings but her nephew Fredi, another Titbit, was chosen by Handzalf to be the one (No, not that âThe Oneâ. Did you hear me mention anything about a prophecy and the Oracle? There you go). Fredi, however, couldnât do this alone. He would need the help of the famous Larry Protter, the only one who had ever resisted to the evil forces of the 7 small onion rings of the Dark Lord of Voldermordort. He had done so by eating them and producing a wretched smell after digesting them.
Handzalf therefore figured that if they wanted to get rid of the Onion Ring, it too would have to be eaten and this Larry Protter character would be the right person for the task.
Though, finding this Larry Protter would be another matter. Rumour, which for once was true, said that Larry and his friends Fronz and Hyperbole resided most of the time at Frogwarts, an institute for the wizarding people. Frogwarts, however, lay for them in an almost unreachable environment. To get to Frogwarts and find Larry Protter, Fredi would have to get trough the most desolate of areas, the resident habitat of the Dark Lord of Voldermordort, Voldemordort. How very original, but hey, who said it had to be original, none of these stories are. We very well know what the structure is. The good guys take out the bad guys and the good guys eat happily ever after. Now, did I reveal too much or should I go on? I shall go on because there might be slight chances that I change my mind and let the bad guys eat the good guys where after the bad guys die of indigestionâŠ
Now where was I ⊠Handzalf  figured that Fredi would dearly appreciate some help to find Protter, and he knew just the ones perfect for the task. He once met these wondrous creatures when they were on one of their wondrous journeys. One of them, Snuttig, was very smart and Dumbo had this amazing quality of being able to fly when flapping his ears, and Handzalf thought this quality actually could come in very handy. He would just have to convince them.
Snuttig was quietly resting on his fluffy belly on the computer screen and next to him Dumbo was leisurely swinging his fluffy legs over the edge. They were clearly enjoying themselves after their strenuous adventures.
All of a sudden, a bright light appeared in the room where the computer screen was located. It would of course have been very stupid had it appeared somewhere else, but in these wondrous stories you never know of course.
A blue coloured cloud emerged and an image of Handzalf the wizard could be seen. Not that Dumbo and Snuttig knew that it was Handzalf, but thatâs not important right now, they will know soon enough.
âHello Dumbo and Snuttig. My name is Handzalf and Iâm a wizardâ Handzalf spoke.
Hey vwala, they know, happy now?
âIâm here to ask for your help. I know you have been very busy lately with going on those wondrous journeys, but it is because of those journeys that I am in need of your help. You are the only ones capable of completing the complicated task I have for you.â
Dumbo and Snuttig were immediately flattered and their necks were swelling heavily.
âWhy donât you tell us what the problem isâ Dumbo said after he had regained his composure.
The journey to Frogwarts
So it was on this occasion after Handzalf had convinced our fluffy friends that Fredi, Dumbo en Snuttig set off for the most wondrous journey of their life, and hopefully it wouldnât be that bad as to causing either one of them to pee their pants or their fluffy furs if youâd prefer. And believe me that had already happened once, but for the sake of those guysâ privacy I wonât go into further detail.
Instead of having to drag all sorts of stuff along, the kind of stuff you never ever see anybody in a movie drag along when they go on a journey but you know they need and you even see them using, like letâs say pyjamas with some nice cartoon figures on them or so, Handzalf provided them with a magical wand. And this, my dear reader, you will think and even say, is not so surprising because all wands are magical. Isnât that what you were thinking? Okay, letâs forget a minute about the sheer obviousness of this thing and concentrate on the task at hand.
So as I was saying, Handzalf the magical wizard (yeah, deuh), gave them a magical wand, and the wand wouldnât be magical and therefore hardly interesting if not for its ability to produce all the food, drinks, clothes, video games and magazines (with highly interesting interviews in comparison to the pictures) they had ever wanted. I personally think that was a great idea of Handzalfâs. How many of these magical stories havenât we already heard about en read where those poor creatures that go on a journey practically starve to death. Whatâs the point of living in a magical world if you didnât have that cool gadgetty stuff.
Having said everything there was to say about the magical wand, Handzalf waved Fredi, Dumbo and Snuttig goodbye. Fortunately he had brought along a sheet because he was crying so hard that a little handkerchief couldnât keep up with the snot accompanying his tears. He had this feeling that something bad was to happen, but if he had kept his head clear for twenty seconds he would have known to take out his crystal ball, have a peek, and see for himself that they were going to do just fine, but no, now his eyes were all red and puffy that even if he had thought about it, he wouldnât be able to see anything in the thing, and that was some thing.
Fredi, Dumbo and Snuttig had been on the road for hours now. They were happily chattering en waving the magical wand around for everything they wished for. Once in a while they stopped to enjoy the scenery and have a nap and a snore, much to each others annoyance but that was part of their quest. Fortunately they werenât in some stupid television show where they could nominate each other and the viewers at home could cast their votes as to whom had to leave the house. Well, they werenât in a house and it would have been foolish to send either of them home because the three of them were crucial to the task. But stupider things have happened, so letâs leave it at that.
Their journey wouldnât be a clichĂ© journey of course without the usual setbacks. Otherwise the story would be over in no time and the (young) readers wouldnât get that joyous lesson Bettleheim once blabbered on about that to be happy you have to get in seriously shit, get help to get out of the shit and live to tell the day or something in the realm of things. Personally, I would highly appreciate a bar of soap and a refreshing shower after the shit because otherwise the whole thing would stink. This being of no importance, I will continueâŠ
Fredi, Dumbo and Snuttig had been walking for hours now along the Bridglyn Brook. This brook led to the most beautiful water fall either of them had ever seen which wasnât that spectacular because either of them had actually ever seen a water fall. At the bottom there was this wondrous wonderland Alice would have been very jealous of. The three of them decided that down by the water would be the perfect place to set up camp for the night. Dumbo, who was todayâs designated wand driver, waved it around. A tent and the most wondrous fire emerged at the spot. A Mexican wand wave took care of their spicy dinner arrangements. They had a real feast that evening especially due to the schnapps after an Austrian wand wave. After a refreshing nightâs sleep and a few chocolate sprinkle sandwiches Fredi, Dumbo and Snuttig continued their wondrous adventurous journey in search of Larry Protter.
They left the wonderful waterfall behind them and started walking in the direction their wand indicated.
They were happily singing and chattering and totally oblivious of their task, which was happening rather often now. It was as if the end of the world wasnât hanging above their heads and the onion ring Fredi carried didnât impose any threat on their lives. Actually it didnât really because the bad guys werenât as clever as in some stories and the Dark Lord of Voldemordort in particular was the master of stupidity. Maybe the fact that his mother and he were blonde could have had something to do with it.
As Fredi, Dumbo and Snuttig were walking along the curving and bumpy paths towards the land of the Burger King they hadnât noticed they had passed a magical wall that transported them into a magical world within the magical world.
All of a sudden our three friends were in the middle of a path surrounded by hundreds of blocks. They all had the same trademark stamp on it which said âWriterâs blocksâ with some sort of inscription carved next to it. When they took a closer look at the blocks they discovered that it were actually houses inhabited by elves. For some reason, however, they didnât want to come out. It was only when Dumbo and Snuttig took a closer look at the inscription that they figured out the reason. It said: âCave canem Karlaeâ.
On a previous journey to a book case they discovered a little Latin dictionary and having all the time on their hands, memorized the whole thing. Very wondrous indeed, and undoubtedly boring to some bovine creatures that were unfortunately also present in this magical world. Shit happens everywhere, and everybody knows, magical world or not, that those bovines can shit. Having elaborated on the fauna, I shall proceed.
Dumbo and Snuttig combined the fluffy cells of their fluffy grey matter and deciphered the Latin on the blocks. They said to beware of Karlaâs dog. They felt this threat shouldnât be taken lightly. However, their previous encounter with the canine in mind, they were convinced they would be able to overcome this little setback if it would proof to be one.
Dumbo and Snuttig saw an elf anxiously sticking his head out the window.
âHey,â Dumbo said âMy name is Dumbo. These are Snuttig and Frediâ while pointing at his friends.
âHello,â The elve responded.
âWe were passing through here and noticed the inscriptions. Why are you so afraid of the dog?â Snuttig asked.
âHi, Iâm Lobby. The dog has this annoying habit of running around wildly. That in itself isnât so much the problem. Itâs only when it notices one of us, it starts wagging his tail furiously and it causes firm gusts of wind. For you guys that me not seem such a problem, but as you can see, weâre not really big and neither are our houses, so they start shuddering enormously.â
Dumbo and Snuttig perfectly understood what the little elf was saying. They also knew they would have to do their utmost best to reassure Lobby and the other elves who started sticking out their heads too that this could be solved easily.
Snuttig, who was the more eloquent speaker of the fluffy friends, started explaining.
âYou guys donât have to be scared of the dog. Heâs only showing his enthusiasm and friendship towards you alle. He just wants to have some fun. All you have to do is play a bit with the dog and acknowledge its presence.â
It took them a while to convince the elves of what they were saying and it was only after Dumboâs and Snuttigâs demonstration that the elves were happily flapping their little elves wings. They were so grateful to our friends that they asked if they could to do something in return.
Now it was Frediâs turn to explain their plans.
âAs Snuttig already told you, we are passing through your woods. What he didnât say however was for what reason. Handzalf the magical wizard has requested our help to get rid of the ominious Onion Ring of the Dark Lord of Voldemordort.â
âWe were wondering if you could suggest us a shortcut or a less dangerous road than the one we are following, because weâre on our way to Frogwarts to ask for the help of the famous Larry Protter. We were told he has already dealt with the seven smaller onion rings and probably is the only one who can destroy The Onion Ring.â Fredi went on.
Lobby had been listening with growing interest and shouted
âI know master Larry, I can take you to him. Iâm Lobby, Larryâs uncleâs house elf.â
He told them that since they had crossed the magical wall they could reach Frogwarts unnoticed. They wouldnât even have to pass the Burger Kingâs land and all for the better because I have no inspiration whatsoever to give account of this trip were it to take place. Lobby would of course accompany them all the way to Frogwarts so he could say hello to Larry and pick up the clothes Hyperbole kept knitting for him and the other house elves she had convinced to set themselves free
A downside to their trip to Frogwarts this way was that they had to cross the mountains that separated the elvesâ world from the magical wall to the ârealâ magical world and it could cost them precious time. Fortunately, as you all know, Dumbo was able to fly and being from the Elefantino Obesito kind, he could at the same time carry Fredi and Snuttig over the mountains.
At Frogwarts
In the meantime at Frogwarts, Larry, Fronz and Hyperbole were practising their Defence Against the Dork Arts tricks in Gryppingdoreâs common room. In their first year they were assigned to Gryppindore after the sorting boot ceremony. Every year at the beginning of first term, the new students had to pass the sorting boot. They had to step up to it, it would start chanting some rhyme and when it had decided what group the student belonged to it would send them to the right one with a fierce kick in the butt
All of a sudden a bright light appeared and Fredi, Dumbo and Snuttig flew out of the chimney accompanied by Lobby
âHello master Larry, ât is me, Lobby, how are you today?â
Fine Lobby, fine, what brings you here this time of year?â he said while eying Fredi, Dumbo and Snuttig.
âWell, master Larry, these people desperately need your help, and since they all helped Lobby and his elf friends, Lobby decided to give them a hand.â
Fredi was the first to speak.
âHello Larry, we were sent to you to by Handzalf, the magical wizard and a good friend of Mumbledoreâs, your principal, to ask for your help. We came into possession of the ominous onion ring created by the Dark Lord of Voldemordort.â
âThe Burger King?!â Harry exclaimed.
âLarry, you spoke his name out loud, you know what will happen to your scar.â Hyperbole started screaming hysterically, which by the way was one of her specialties.
âOh, Hyperbole shut the fuck up will you and let those people talkâ
Fredi continued his story and reminded everyone of the fact that it was Larry who disposed of the seven smaller onion rings of the Dark Lord of Voldemordort.
âWhat you are telling is true indeed, and I have been wondering for years when and where this little devil would show up. I canât wait to set my teeth in this one.â
âLarry, you donât know what will happen, for all you know you might get indigestion, your stomach could blow up and kill you at the instant.â Hyperbole once again started to shout hysterically
âJust shut the fuck up, will you Hyperbole, we wonât know for sure unless I do this and besides if I donât do this the world will come to an end and then weâre fucked big time. So letâs deal with the Burger King once and for all!â Larry interrupted her once again.
At the mentioning of âBurger Kingâ exactly what Hyperbole feared did happen. Larryâs scar began glowing bright red and gave him excruciating pains.
âDonât start on me,â Larry said to Hyperbole, âthis is what is meant to happen.â
Larry took the onion ring and placed it on his scar
âYou see, eating it raw would indeed be lethal and therefore the stupidest thing to do. I just need to fry it, and you wonât believe how delicious it will be. Hey guys, you didnât bring along some ketchup by any chance, did you?â Larry added.
Fredi shook his head, but took the magical wand out of his back pack and waved about some delicious ketchup.
âI think it would be best if you would leave me for a minute, because when I fart and youâre too close by it could be very disturbing for you all.â Larry said while he was meticulously chewing the onion ring (in the magical world it wasnât impolite to eat en talk at the same time).
The others did as they were told, and made even sure they were far enough from the spectacle. As far as they were, still they could here the thunderous noise of Larryâs fart and the accompanying thunderous crumpling of the Dark Lord of Voldemordortâs empire. When the coast was clear, Larry joined the others and they could see how his scar was disappearing little by little.
Everyone was very relieved and grateful to Larry. Dumbo was even flapping his fluffy ears again out of sheer joy and Hyperbole uttered little hysterical shrieks which were causing Larry a terrible headache but not being his usual spoilsport self he decided not to tell her to shut the fuck up.
After a little partying, Fredi, Dumbo and Snuttig felt it was time to go home. Larry, Fronz and Hyperbole agreed with them because they had this big exam about Defence against the Dork Arts coming up and they still had some studying to do. Dumbo and Snuttig in particular were missing their computer screen terribly and wanted to go home and relax up there. Although neither of them had pissed their fluffy furs it still had been a stressful event for them.
Lobby took Fredi, Dumbo and Snuttig and the heaps of clothes Hyperbole had knitted along so they could take the short cut home again. Where they ate happily ever afterâŠ